Oh

And in amongst these waves of novel, crazy change there are moments where you actually feel normal, like you’re getting a handle on things, like maybe just maybe it’s all going to be ok.

And then. You share one of these moments with someone, a midwife, a mother, a friend… and their response? 

‘……..oh’

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Fourmonthitis

As this amazing new world opens up, alongside the skills to explore it, your baby is also starting to realise they are a separate entity. It will be a few more months before this separation leads to anxiety when you’re apart – for now, bubs is usually pretty happy to drink in the world around and start to consider what is great and not so great about it. Where it gets tricky is that these emerging preferences can be difficult to work out, especially when an angry cry can come quite out of the blue. How were you to know the cushion you just moved was so interesting?

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The Invisible Cord

As soon as your baby arrives in the world, the process of letting them go begins.  At birth, your previously merged selves become a duo and you immediately have to make choices (or they are made for you) about how separate you are going to be.

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Let Myself Love

I hold your sleeping body

Cocooned in the crook of my arm

Examine your crinkly lids

Alien feet

Rosebud lips

“Why don’t you put her down dear?

Get some rest yourself?’

But, for now, I’m going to let myself love you

I rock your tense, taut body

Contained in the curve of my neck

Soothe your screaming lips

Flushed brow

Powerful lungs

“You’ll create a rod for your back dear

Just let her cry it out”

But, for now, I’m going to let myself love you

I nurse your drowsy body

Cushioned on my lap

Stroke your growing hair

Chubby feet

Busy hands

“She needs to learn to self-soothe dear

Just leave her in her cot”

But, for now, I’m going to let myself love you

I gaze at your soft, still body

Nestled on my chest

Meet your watchful eyes

Smell milky breath

Porridgey skin

“You’ll make her too clingy dear

Pop her in her swing”

But, for now, I’m going to let myself love you

I lie next to your snoring body

One hand on my arm

Watch your rising chest

Far flung leg

Flickering lids

“She’ll never leave your bed dear

Put her in her own room”

But, for now, I’m going to let myself love you

I rush to your screeching body

Toppled on the floor

Kiss your bonked head

Tear filled eyes

Dribbling nose

“You’ll make her into a sap dear,

Leave her, she’s alright”

But, for now, I’m going to let myself love you

I sit by your wriggly body

Crawling across the rug

Fetch rolled-away toys

Bang cups

Share smiles

“Children should be seen and not heard dear,

Ignore her, she’s got to learn”

But, for now, I’m going to let myself love you.

Because now you’re too big to lie on the chest that once cushioned your head.

That used to rest on my shoulder.

That now peers around instead.

Because now you’re too heavy to rock in my arms that cradled your body tight.

That used to find comfort in me.

That now sleeps through the night.

And soon you’ll be crawling away from me. Walking out of my door.

Running into your own life.

Seeing the world, and more.

So I hold your sleeping body

Stretched out on my lap

Kiss your sweaty brow

Toothy mouth

Long lean limbs

“You are the bows from which your children

As living arrows are sent forth”

So, for now, I’m going to let myself love you.

Walking Womb

Emulating life in the womb for this frazzled, overwhelmed and overstimulated creature is one of the kindest things you can do for your newborn. For him or her, the only thing that has remained the same in the journey from the womb is you.

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The Bubble

Entering into motherhood can feel a lot like being ripped in two – between the individual that you once were and the mother you are growing into.  You might feel completely obsessed with your new baby, but unable to talk about it because it feels so unusual. Or you might be panic stricken at the enormous sense of responsibility you now hold. From having been a well functioning member of society, suddenly your universe revolves around a miniscule bundle, the sofa and bed.

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